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------ Non Journal Entry ------
Joseph felt little of nothing as the demons had mishandled him and returned him to the sleeping quarters he shared with the others. His fire, his spark, whatever you wanted to call it, seemed gone, extinguished in a way. He slumped to the ground as the demons threw him past the door and then had simply laid there, not willing to move or having the inclination to move.
He simply rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, his eyes hurt from the tears he had shed and his entire jaw ached from the bruising force he had held it shut with. Joseph wondered if it was possible for a man's heart to just give up because if so, he felt as if his had done just that. Trembling hands covered his face and fingernails began to cut past dirt and skin to pull blood from beneath the surface.
"All over," He muttered quietly to himself, his voice dejected and shaking with a hurt that had so far not gone away. He turned slowly until he was face down in the dirt and his lips pulled into a sad smile, "Wouldn't momma be proud? Her son ...giving up everything for .." He lifted his head and looked across at the bunks that held sleeping people, "..Hell if I know."
Joseph forced himself to his knees and threaded his hands through his hair until they settled around the back of his neck as he fought back tears. His entire body ached, his chest seemed to throb and worst of all, he could still taste Rhiannon on his lips. It was really too much to handle, Joseph felt himself splintering into pieces and he barely managed to make it to his bunk before he broke completely.
The dry hard mattress helped to muffle his sobs but there was tremble in Joseph's body that refused to go away. His arms wrapped his waist and he tried to stop the tears, he managed for the most part, but only managed this by biting down hard on his gum until he drew blood. The copper taste flooded his mouth until it was swallowed back and Joseph fought back the sudden urge to vomit.
However the urge proved to be too strong and he was soon hunched over the end of his bed throwing up everything in his stomach and more. It felt as if his entire body was rebelling and no matter how much it hurt, nothing compared to the hurt inside of him, the hurt caused by his interaction with Rhiannon. By the time Joseph was finished, he was dry heaving, painful rasping sounds being dragged from the back of his throat and causing his chest to burn.
He remained hunched over his bed and simply closed his eyes as he tried to get some kind of handle on himself. He knew that this wasn't going to be easy but he couldn't fall apart, he couldn't. He could do that later, when he had the luxury of being able to do it. Joseph pushed himself up and leaned his back into the wall before tipping his head back and closing his eyes.
Guilt had began to gnaw at him, it worked steadily on Joseph's belief that he was doing the right thing and began to fill his mind with doubts until the world was no longer black and white in his mind, it was different shades and he couldn't tell right from wrong any more.
"I hope you can forgive me, Rhiannon." Joseph muttered quietly.
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